What "Doesn't" Matter

Ductape Halo played a fabulous set on Halloween, with new bassist Michael J. Benham. Steve killed the drums and Shamari slayed keys. Great turn out, especially considering the fact it was freezing and had been a long weekend of debauchery. Played 2 new tunes "Fools Decide" and "Mojo Hand". Seems the crowd enjoyed the Mojo, as we closed out the set. All the EP's flew and had a great night. Thanks to Catie Taylor for photography and all the lovely people who joined us for our "Amongst the Dead" celebration.

But that actually matters, this blog is about "What doesn't matter?"

On a personal note, I sometimes get wrapped up in worrying about "what matters". All these matters that need to be dealt with, the weight of the world, etc. and so-forth. It kills the mood, no one like being around me. Not the Dan Victor we all know and love. Lets call it the dark side.

I had a though just a few minutes ago about all the crap that I worry about.... that we all worry about... that truly doesn't give a damn. This revelation came as a result of long meditation over "the fucking point". What is it? Well, I don't know exactly, but I think I'm making progress.

Kind of think of myself as a scientist, experimenting with my life. It is a flawed experiment because I am the observer, as well as the test subject. I consider my brother the control group, as a normal functioning typical member of society, with a steady job, marriage, house and 1.5 kids. We both grew up in the same circumstances, but being different people, dealt accordingly...

Today, don't think I could ever want what my brother has created, at least in the way that he went about it. Not to criticize either, he has a wonderful family and I adore my nephew very, very much. But for me, that just wouldn't ultimately make me happy.

OK. So where am I going with this? No one can tell you what you need to do with this life but you. It doesn't matter what people believe or how they react. You always measure yourself by your own morality, no one else's. Or adopt another's beliefs as your own.

Ultimately, you only answer to yourself. Judging every movement, decision and habit. But don't fool yourself that you are worried about what other's think. You are worried about what you think of yourself. But you know what? That doesn't matter as much as you think it does.

You choose what to believe, as a result you can hold tightly, blindly, to those beliefs because that have served you over these years. Notice I didn't say "well", just that they served as beliefs. Why believe something that doesn't serve you well? Sometimes what you care about doesn't matter. We deceive ourselves to get by.

I have searched myself because I don't know what I want. How do I proceed being conscious of my own internal war? When a treaty is made, when pride is shelved, when shields are dropped and anger withdrawn.

What doesn't matter:
1. Being Angry: doesn't help any situation. always makes decisions more difficult and irrational. pisses other people off. remember the pointless waste of energy it is to work yourself up over something that just makes things worse. If you sense anger begin to arise: STOP immediately and divert attention, perhaps by counting backwards, realizing you are reacting to your own issues, not the situation. It will help give perspective.

2. Being Accepted: no one cares about you more that you do, so don't expect them to. it feels good to be understood, but some people get you and some people don't. fact. appreciate the people who do care about you. be grateful for what you have.

3. Expectations: just makes your happiness contingent upon what you want the outcome to be, or believe "should" happen. you can only control your own actions. You may be surprised to see what happens when you accept there be an equal possibility of things going one way or another. If you expect it, you may try to force something into happening that might not work.

4. Other People's Actions: can't control them, as much as you think you can "influence" someone, they are always making the decision to go along with your persuasion. or not. even if it affects you, all you can do is deal with it, so there is no reason to feel badly if some one is disapproving. It has no bearing on you, because you have no power over it.

5. Success: whether you are or aren't is your determination. judging this is a road to self-doubt. the only success you can ever know is fulfillment of one's self, not an accomplishment. an accomplishment is not a determination of self-worth. how much do you need to prove to yourself that you are worthy of your own respect. If you respect yourself unconditionally, you will always be successful.

6. Fear: it is crippling, addictive and the source of every bad thing on this planet. this prevents us from acting in our own best interest. to give in to our own fears and doubts will only give them more power. the way to combat fear is to love one's self unconditionally. failure is an illusion that fear creates. think about something someone else fears, but you don't. it makes no sense, it is so easy. fear is the only thing that makes something impossible. fear keeps us believing we are a failure even when we do something worthy of self acknowledgement. fear dismisses it as not good enough. and that is just bullshit.

7. Money: it comes and it goes. lots of fun when you have a lot of it, but when one puts importance on having it, making it or controlling it. it is tempting to have something people will do most anything to attain. in the end, it is still just a tool that is useful to get stuff or do things. some people need to put faith in something. once it was religious beliefs. people would do anything for what one could attain in the afterlife, and still do. god has been replaced by money for some. it is still seeking something outside your self to determine your worth.

8. Belongings: its just stuff, not an extension of who you are. it can represent time and energy to attain, loosing it can cause regret. things change, things come and go. ownership over some thing is an illusion. it's very much like life itself. you have it for a little while. enjoy it while you have something, even love, but if you realize everything has a beginning and end, than it should come as no surprise.

9. Family: can't tell you how to live your life. isn't a measure of what you can do. is who raised you, not who is responsible for how you turned out. sometimes over rated, sometimes undervalued, but are still just another kind of relationship. there is no obligation family can put on you, only the obligation you give yourself. where do you put your faith. only in those relationships that warrant it. family can be either or. takes a clear perspective to decide. still, no one knows you better than you know yourself.

10. Failure: illusion created by fear. a comfortable and acceptable loss, that keeps one from trying again. it actually doesn't exist. you only let something become a failure if you acknowledge it to be. going fishing and not catching anything isn't a failure if you enjoyed the time spent doing it. but placing importance on catching something will only make the experience that much less enjoyable. the whole time expecting to get something, than worrying about catching something, than angry or relieved from the. either way, getting too stressed out. matter of perspective.

11. Worrying: waste of time and doesn't achieve anything but making yourself feel like shit. does shaming yourself into doing something sound like a good way to get things done? do things with the knowledge of doing will make you feel good, as long as you have no conditions for getting something out of it. Let things be what they are. worrying is just a pointless action.

12. Thinking: over-rated. can be a good thing, but sometimes leaving you brain at the door is a good thing. The more one dwells on something, it takes away from what is happening in the moment. while thinking before acting is good, sometimes it can hinder the action, rather than just doing it.

13. Sex: lots of fun, but isn't going to give you love, just a bodily function like shitting and eating, making babies. everyone does it and doesn't matter if you are or aren't getting laid. it is pleasurable, but unlike food, not necessary for survival. and like food, would you rather have food that tastes good to you, not just eating for the sake of eating. important part of a relationship, but not the most important part. because it is a reflection of the connection, not how well you connect.

14. Death: everything ends, get over it. you will too. everyone you know will. everything dies. can't really get around it so might as well accept it.

15. Having Fun: I love having fun, I really do, but it is not fulfillment. it is just another distraction from doing. but doing things can be fun, so worrying about having it, or doing things you think are fun take you away from the moment. we have the most fun, when we are in the moment, not trying to attain it.